Growing up we all heard the saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” I don’t know where that came from, but whoever said it is either the most carefree person in the world, or can’t hear. From losing my mom, to being pushed out into the world to be an “adult” almost immediately after, to going through a break up- I’ve realized words can hurt. Words DO hurt. More than physical actions. I remember once my mom told me she would have rather been punched in the face than hear something my dad had said to her (sorry dad). And now I know that feeling. Throughout this stage in my life I didn’t know what to expect, I had no idea what to do. I know I say this phrase a lot, but after my mom died I really expected to die too. It just hurt so bad I literally thought it was going to kill me. My life has now been sectioned into two parts, before my mom died, and after. I remember before, I thought life was hard. I complained about minuscule things. I was a little bratty and very privileged in most ways. I had never felt pain like that, now that’s the privilege. The pain is still here, it’s just easier to handle. Now imagine, going through a break up. We’ve all been through at least one bad break I feel like. And as a young woman, who do you go to during that time? Your mom. Always. I mean I always did, and she always got me through whatever I was feeling in that moment. But now I am going through these types of events without her, I know I have friends and what not but I feel essentially alone. Today, an ex told me that there’s a million girls like me out there. And today, I looked around for my mom. Because I knew she’d be the only person who could convince me otherwise, she was always the only one who could make me feel like I deserved so much more than I thought, I looked around for her knowing I wouldn’t find her. And I know everybody is going to have this feeling one day, of looking for your mom and not finding her. Death is inevitable. I just never thought I’d have this feeling so soon and sudden. But to whoever is reading this, when you do get this feeling and you go through this, let the feeling come and go. Like a wave. 

One thought on “7/7/17

  1. We look for different things that only YOUR mother afforded us. For me, it was knowing that everything was right in this world if my big sis said it would be the ok. When she wrapped her arms around me-I just knew all
    was safe and everything was going to be right. She was my protector and my first real friend. My world
    Is a little lonelier and smaller, but I do feel hear her her saying that “she still
    has my back” and that she is “still proud of me” even even when I
    can’t believe in myself. This is not to try and make you feel any better about your loss. It certainly is not to try and negate the loss of a parent. Especially, one as important as your mother. I just want you to know-I understand. I have loved you since the day I saw you (even before that). Anything that is right in this word-anything that she left as her mark, I see in you. I love you more than words can express. I am so proud of you and the life that you have been asked to create.


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