6/26/17

Home. Home is a concept that has been lost to me for what feels like years, in reality it’s only beeen a few months but the feeling of never feeling at home can break you. To me, home is where you’re the most comfortable. Home is where you’re happy, happy to just be there. Lying in your own bed, taking a bubble bath in your own tub. Knowing where everything is, knowing everything is how you like it. But as I packed up my house a couple days after my mom committed suicide, the word “home” felt foreign. It was a feeling I never thought I’d feel again. After that, I tried looking for that feeling in a person. That person ended up letting me down, making me feel like I had lost that home all over again. I tried looking for that feeling by simply not having it, if that makes sense. I told myself, this feeling of instability is now my home. That didn’t work either. Yes, I had places I could go to. My friends, my dads house, my grandparents house but none of their homes felt like mine. I’ve been in a state of drifting, in limbo. It wasn’t until I started thinking for myself and making the choices I knew I had to make for me, even though I knew how bad it would initially hurt. I drove across the country with my dog, got my own apartment with the help of my brother, and made it my own home. I went out of town recently and found myself saying, “I can’t wait to go home.” Something I’d never thought I would be blessed enough to say again. When my mom died, I truly felt nothing in the world would ever get better but hearing myself say those words… I know that it does. It will continue to get better. Being alone, and the act of letting myself feel is hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever done, some days I miss my ex boyfriend. Every day I miss my mom. But I know now, that even though those feelings are there, it’s okay to feel other things too. Like happiness. Joy. Anger. Regret. It doesn’t just have to be yearning for other people. If you ever feel lost, don’t look for yourself in another person. Don’t expect them to help you find yourself. You have to do it on your own, no matter how scary it seems. Once you stop doing that you’ll see a whole new way of life. And for the first time in a long time, I am slightly excited about being alive. (slightly excited is a step better than wanting to die, right?) 

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