6/6/17

So I haven’t posted in a while and it’s because yes, I did lose my taste for onion rings. Unfortunately. I felt like I didn’t have anything else to write about that anybody would want to read but I feel like I should share my experiences in the past few months since my moms death, this is going to be a long post so grab some snacks. My mom committed suicide February 21st. My whole world stopped and to be honest, it still hasn’t started spinning again yet. My life changed immensely that day. And it continued to change with the choices I was making to try to get past what happened. Right now, I can admit I went about it in the wrong way. I ran from it. I ran from my family, my friends, the people who were trying to help me. I didn’t want to be near anybody who had known my mom, and had known how close I was to her and how much I had been affected. So I moved as far as I could think of. Literally across the country, to Las Vegas to be with my boyfriend. Thinking that because I was so far away, the anger would go away. The pain would stop. The bad days would cease. But they didn’t. Everything kept happening, even worse than before because I essentially had nobody. I was lost. I’m not saying I’m not lost now, just not as lost. I tried everything I could to make my life better, to make it my version of perfect. To make it my boyfriends version of perfect really, not mine. Thinking that if I made him happy I could be happy. But he wasn’t happy, and neither was I. Shortly after I moved here, it all fell apart. Our first night in our apartment we got robbed. I should’ve took that as a sign to go back home, to the people who cared about me. But I kept trying because I didn’t want to be the person who gave up so easily. We moved into a new apartment, got it all together. We had everything we wanted but it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t happy, and once I realized I couldn’t keep waiting around for happiness everything changed. I started demanding respect from my boyfriend, and not even a day later we had broken up. I’ve had a couple days to reflect on my relationship and myself. I want to share a few things I’ve learned, in hopes of helping another person I guess. I learned that an abusive relationship doesn’t just have to be physical. It can be emotional and psychological. An emotionally and psychologically abusive person will threaten to commit suicide if you dump them. They will throw things you told them in confidence about your past in your face during an argument. They will convince you you’re crazy, and that you’re the one that needs to change. They will throw everything they can think of in your face during an argument just to hurt you, and the most hurtful things will come when you try to leave them. And leaving them is the hardest thing to do. Love is many things, but it shouldn’t be abusive. Love shouldn’t say “I miss the person you were before your mom died.” Because trust me, I do too. Love isn’t “nobody’s going to put up with you like I do.” Love isn’t “shut the f*** up, you’re a bitch.” And then “I was just mad. You shouldn’t yell at me like that.” Love is many things, but it shouldn’t be abusive. I don’t know how many times I can repeat that. And of course I still love this person. There’s a reason why I stayed so long and tried so hard. There’s a reason why a part of me wants to continue doing so. But there’s a stronger part of me who knows what’s best for myself even if it’s not what’s best for my relationship. Ever since my mom died, I’ve been angry. I’ve been sad. I’ve been irritable and irrational. But I have been working on it. I am trying. I know I can get past these angry feelings inside of me. And I know I don’t have the right to take my anger out on somebody else. But I also know that I am more than the negative feelings my moms death has brought to me. I’m more than the events in my life that have made me hard. I can learn how to be soft again. I can learn how to love again. I can learn it all again, alone. I truly believe in myself again and I think that’s what help me make the decision to move back to Tennessee and be my own person and grow up a little, because I can’t do it with someone pointing out the negatives every day. You learn to grow when you’re being watered. Even if you have to water yourself. 

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